Stuart redux

phone pole forest bw

“What makes human beings different from animals,” Stuart asked.

“They have names,” I said.

“Animals have names, too,” Stuart said.

I could see that there would be no stopping the next Stuart verbal avalanche.

“So, what does separate us from the beasts?” I bit.

“When I was young, I learned that what separated us from the monkeys was that we made tools.”


“Yeah, Homo habilis. But some years later, Jane Goodall ruined that theory when she discovered chimpanzees poked sticks down termite nests to pull out a tasty gob of bugs to eat.”

“Yum.”streetlights at night

“When I was in college, a stuffed-shirt teacher told me that humans were the only animals that used language.

“But now, not only are some gorillas using sign language — and  more articulately than many politicians — but scientists are  striving to learn the languages of dolphins and whales.”

“Whales can talk?”


“What do they say?”

“I don’t know. Maybe, ‘Here I am, come get me,’ or ‘Haven’t I seen you here before?’

“And honeybees dance to talk.”

I considered this bit of information while Stuart circled in for a landing at his main point.

“But there is something that humans do that nothing else in the universe, so far as we know, can poles

“Human beings are crazy to poke sticks into the ground.”

“Sticks?”north dakota snow fence

“Look around you. There are sticks everywhere. Streetlights. Traffic signs. Mile markers.

“Go to the most godforsaken plain in North Dakota and you will see lines of fence poles stretching out to the horizons.

“We are a species mad about sticks.

“Flags on golf greens. Citronella poles in back yards. Surveyors’ stakes. Bean poles and tomato stakes. Crosses in front of churches. Maypoles.

“We can hardly play a game without plunging a pole into the ground: goal posts, foul poles, supports for basketball  hoops and tennis nets. You can’t even play croquet without sticks in the ground.TV and radio towers on Mt Wilsonmultiples

“And it’s not just now I’m talking about. In the Bible, Aaron’s rod was stuck into the ground and sprouted. Sioux Indians had to place a pole in the ground for their Sun Dance. Hey, and digging sticks. Totem Poles. Prayer sticks…moonflag

“We travel 169,000 miles to the moon and what do we do? Plop down a flagpole and take our photo beside it.

“You can’t walk 30 yards in this town and not see some pole drilled into the dirt: street signs; business signs.

“We have turned our planet into a porcupine.”

I laughed. “But didn’t you say chimpanzees stick sticks in the ground for termites?”

“Oh, yeah. I guess I’m wrong, then. Never mind.”

But I had my own theory.

“Human beings are the only animals who use toilet paper,” I said.

That seemed to make Stuart happy. He would steal that line. The Road poles

  1. I enjoyed reading your blog and when Stuart commented on why men watched porn and women don’t — well, I hadn’t really given this subject much thought, (I’m an extremely visual female like most females I know) so after some thought I came up with a different conclusion, which was that men like porn because they don’t like being alone. Therefore, this need of feeling “not alone” is satisfied through pornographic video images, photos, live chat rooms etc, where you can feel like a participant, while watching others engage in a sexual act — however I feel women are more comfortable with being alone therefore they don’t need to incorporate porn into their sexual experiences. Obviously people watch porn for many many reasons – though I do feel my idea is worth pondering. I’ve always heard the examples you mentioned in your blog, that “females aren’t visual,” I started hearing this around the same time I heard women aren’t good at math or science and the water from the “colored” fountain wasn’t as sweet as the regular fountain — these are old theories from a time that is behind us. We need to taste the water – women are extremely visual – and come up with new possibilities for the answers.

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